Blogrimage Day 2: The Man Who Smiled

I recently went on a trip to Cambodia. I went with my church here in Korea. There was a total of 38 people: several students (elem, middle, high) and many, many adults. But only two Americans  (myself and another woman I teach with). SUCH an adventure going on a missions trip with only being able to communicate with a majority of your team in very broken Korean/English. It was a missions trip within a missions trip. 

There are many stories I could tell about this trip. Many stories I wish I tell and hopefully will someday. Though it was short, it was very impacting and ... life-perspective-giving. I saw a lot on this trip ... and not just through the lens of my own, American eyes, but through the lens of another culture as well (Korea). It was such a unique and ... challenging experience. This story stems out of one of these moments of looking through another lens ...

It was our third day in Cambodia. We had done two medical camps already and were heading to yet another when our missionary guide decided that we would make a quick stop. I had been advised before going on this trip NOT to go to a killing field should the opportunity arise (if you don't know any of the history of Cambodia and the Khmer Rouge Regime, read here: http://www.ppu.org.uk/genocide/g_cambodia.html) for many reasons, many of which being the spiritual dirtiness, so to say, of such places. Well, I had no idea where we were going at this point (again, the communication between me and my team consisted of mostly broken English/Korean - though we did have one Korean American with us who could translate, we still didn't always know what was happening). So our bus suddenly stops and we all get out. As SOON as I get out the air feels dead to me. All throughout that land there is a spirit/feeling of death and agony, but in this place, something was different - it was almost as if you could taste the death in the air. And then I found out where we were. We were at a memorial site for those killed during the Khmer Rouge Regime. 

There wasn't much to see there honestly. But it wasn't what I was seeing - it was what I was feeling that made that place a significant part of my trip. To anyone who is spiritually aware and in tune with their soul AND spirit, you will know what I mean when I say I was ALERT. We walked towards this monument that as you got closer, you realized why it was there. It was tall and looked like just another monument, until you realized it was filled with human bones. THOUSANDS. Words are not enough to describe that sight. They don't even come close. As I looked upon the results of a vicious, evil and torturous genocide, I suddenly saw not just through my eyes but the eyes of the people I was with. As Americans, we've never really felt genocide ... we've never fully had a war on our own soil. But Korea. Koreans have seen a lot, and what I saw in the eyes of one of my team members said so much to me. She told me this was not just significant and heart wrenching for Cambodians, but how much it hurt to see this, knowing her brothers and sisters may just as well be the same in North Korea. My world suddenly shifted to see this sight through new eyes - through eyes of not only anguish, but understanding. I could say so much more than this, but then this blog would no longer be about joy. Joy is nothing near what I thought I would find in this place.

There was a wall erected on which the Cambodians had placed pictures of some of the victims. The Khmer Rouge made a habit of taking pictures of their victims; before and during torture. This wall showed the pictures of a miniscule amount of those whose lives were stolen. They were powerful. As I looked and saw with shock and great emotion the evil that lies within man, one picture caught my eye.

Do you see it? In all of these pictures - most of torture, angony and fear, there is a man who is smiling. SMILING! These are ALL images of people who are about to die, and most likely knew it too, and yet, there is a man literally smiling in the face of death. Suddenly, in this place that emotionally and spiritually stank of death, there was hope and joy. But how could this be? Did he not know? Did he not understand?

I would venture to say he did know and he did understand. It was in this smile that I learned something new about joy: joy does not necessarily stem from happiness ... but rather, from hope. What I saw in this man's face was a lack of fear ... it showed complete knowledge and understanding and rather than terror be on his face, there was joy. I believe it stemmed from a hope. A hope bigger than all of us. The Hope. Perhaps he understood that this life is not the end ... that this life is temporary and perhaps he possessed not simply happiness (as I would define "happy" as situational and circumstantial) but real, true, life-giving, life-overflowing, joy: joy that can not be stolen or effected by circumstance, but rather joy that defines circumstance. And this joy, I would say, comes from one place, and one place alone: through the power of a Spirit-filled, passionate life of purpose, founded and designed by Him. This is the Joy that I desire to possess.

"There is a joy which is not given to the ungodly, but to those who love Thee for Thine own sake, whose joy Thou Thyself art. And this is the happy life, to rejoice to Thee, of Thee, for Thee; this it is, and there is no other." ~Augustine

May my joy always be for Thou Thyself ... and may my joy ever define my life, never defined by my life.

Blogrimage Day 1: Joy

So I am jumping in on this a little late, but I'm going to try it anyhow. Last year I started writing on beauty, but it failed as quickly as I got started. I tend to get my mind so wrapped into what I'm writing about, that I forget to write and then run out of time! So as a verbose person, I will attempt to keep my blogs short, to the point and simple. I really want to get into the habit of writing and expressing my thoughts, ideas and opinions. Maybe someday I really will "blog." For now, the blogrimage inspires!

I laugh. A lot. And loud. Anyone who knows me, knows this about me. In many of the places I have worked I have had coworkers comment about my laugh and how they always know where I am when they hear my laugh. All through my life, in fact, there have been people who have commented on my laugh: whether it be loud, amusing, delightful, annoying or just flat out irritating, I've heard it all. I went through a season in my life where I was easily hurt by people and was easily wounded when people commented on my laugh. It led me to consciously make an effort not to laugh. Not an easy thing - and not a good thing by any means. I finally came out of that and learned to recognize that my laughter is part of me and who I was made to be, though there are still times it bruises when people mention it.

It's a strange thing, laughter. What is it that makes us feel so good in side to simply laugh? I remember so many times with my sister getting into hysterical laughing fits and crying out of the joy of ... even nothing! Some of the most amazing times of my life I have enjoyed while laughing. I find the times I feel the most at ease and satisfied with my life is when I'm laughing or having a smile on my face. But why? In the same way, laughter can also be repulsive to some - even offensive. What is it about laughter ... about joy???

I am dedicating this blogrimage to "joy" - happiness, smiling, laughter, radiance, joyfulness, euphoric-ness, beaming-ness, jumping-over-the-moon-ness ... all of it. It may mean a discussion on something I've experiences, something that has brought me joy, something that has made others laugh, or just the general nature of the state of "being happy." Wherever it takes me, I am excited. This is something I've wanted to understand and study for a while now. So what really IS it about joy? I can't wait to find out

Blogrimage Day 3

What is beauty? How do we define it? WHY do we define it? What is it about the human condition that we find one person attractive over the other? If we’re all created by God in his image and are supposed perfections of that nature, then why do we find one person attractive and another the complete opposite (you know its true whether you’re willing to admit it or not). Beauty is so much more than a physical reality or a visual existence … in the end it goes deeper than skin, deeper than what the eyes alone can see.

This blog has been inspired by conversations with people around me, both currently as well as from years ago. It comes out of questions of my current state of life and things that I currently question and wonder about. It is inspired out of my own insecurities and life questions. But it is dedicated to truth and beauty. I could choose to focus on all that appears negative or look for a new perspective, a new understanding. I could choose to find death or life within these quandries.

Somewhere within this blogrimage it was going to become inevitable that I wind up discussing ACTUAL beauty – at its basic, most simplistic, visual level. I hadn’t intended upon getting into it quite this early, so I’m just going to skirt around the REAL issue for now, but begin to touch on this delicate topic. Today’s “blogisode” (blog episode?) is inspired by and comes out of a recent conversation with some good friends.

We were sitting talking late into the night about different issues and questions in our lives, when suddenly we landed on a conversation of relationships – the male/female kind. I won’t describe the entirety of the conversation (that’s for a different blog entirely, focusing on identity) but within this conversation something struck me. We were discussing the way guys typically enter into relationships and what my friend was describing would make MOST of my female friends very angry and frustrated, but I suddenly saw a glimpse of something different. What he described, on the surface level, was very frustrating. It’s common knowledge that guys are generally attracted to women first on a physical level, Christian or non-Christian. Especially for an insecure individual, the knowledge that guys are first attracted to a girl physically is very daunting and rather disheartening even. But what even I saw as frustrating in the past (being one of the many women in the world who are NOT absolutely gorgeous by physical standards) I suddenly saw through different eyes. I could discuss many different aspects of beauty in relation to our conversation but there was one thing that particularly stood out to me: something I saw as amazing. We were men and women of God, sitting discussing things of the heart and recognizing the differences between men and women. I feel like we’re so often afraid of how guys view women and even how women view guys that we don’t stop to recognize the differences and the potential that God has a PLAN in that . . . I suddenly saw something beautiful. Why are we so quick to be afraid of differences and allow them to raise up insecurities? Why don’t we look at the potential in those differences and be strengthened by the design in them rather than distracted by what it could mean in a negative manner?

I see it like a dance – a beautiful waltz of two different souls, two different individuals, two different stories and experiences: let them come together, and a miracle happens. Have you ever seen two girls dance together? It kind of works, but it’s more awkward than anything. Put a man and woman together and beauty radiates. That’s what I suddenly got out of our conversation. As humans, we run from differences and innately feel challenged by them, but is this part of His design? I don't think so. I love that men and women are different, that we view each other differently and are attracted to each other differently. You can choose to see the negative in this, or the beauty and the incredible dance that is created between these two entities, these two delicate balances. Just as in a dance, if one controls more than another, there’s an imbalance that disrupts the beauty. But bring balance, bring “give and take,” bring DIFFERENCE and it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

"For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it." -Ivan Panin

Blogrimage Day 2

My heart is alive! Beauty seems to sweep my heart in an upward flow that envelopes my senses! I feel as though beauty is all around me and all I must do is stop and listen to her whispers. I've already found myself doing the thing I knew I would with this blog - getting lost in the revery of my thoughts and the tingling of my senses that I would forget to actually type what my brain is thinking! Perhaps there is beauty to be found even in that? I don't know . . .

Today I had a true moment of understanding; of clarity. I was teaching the lowest level of English comprehension I have taught since coming to Korea (I am currently teaching English here for a year). My students were trying to convey something to me and no matter how much either of us tried, we were all failing. I was so frustrated and so irritated with the situation in that moment; not at my students but rather with myself. How horrible of me to stand there assuming these kids should understand me and be able to speak my language when I have not truly engaged in their own. (This is a drawback of where I teach - it's too easy to just exist as if in a mini America, considering we have 40+ native English speakers all living/working on the same campus). I was feeling convicted by these kids and so disappointed in myself that I couldn't see what was truly happening in front of me. My students, though they too were frustrated by the situation and the lack of communication that was able to take place, we were communicating. I spent the entire hour and a half class playing games with these kids explaining gestures and expressions my meaning in different words and phrases, and through it all we laughed. I laughed. My students laughed. One of my students laughed so hard at his silliness he fell off his chair onto the floor. In that moment I suddenly realized it - there was something we were all speaking that transcended race, ethnicity, gender, language, what have you. Laughter. I suddenly saw something different - some deep and powerful, so easily written off as menial, but something I was suddenly very attune to - the beauty of laughter. There I was, with little to no way to communicate with these precious Korean children, the next generation of this earth, and I suddenly realized how immense the laughter I shared with them was. We didn't know what the other was saying, but the result of our interaction and the sharing of the joy, bonded us in a moment in time. By the end of class, the girls were hanging on me, not wanting to leave. My heart swells simply thinking about it.

How immense is laughter? How deep does it truly go? What is it about laughter that makes our hearts swell up so and fills us with such joy? In the same regard, what is it about laughter that can cause such disdain in others? That makes some uncomfortable and burrow deep in anger and frustration? I believe all these responses come out of the realization that laughter in its purest and truest essence in simply beautiful  - pure, unadulterated beauty. As I laughed with my students, I realized that it was pure, true and perfect, just as beauty is. In every culture there is laughter. Laughter is part of who we are in our human existence. It's beautiful. Why else does the heart of a father leap with joy when his newborn child laughs for the first time? Why else is laughter contagious and uncontainable? Why else can we not contain ourselves and keep the corner of our mouths from tipping when a stranger throws a smile at us? All for beauty . . .

I could never deny laughter in my life. Never. And I could never deny my eyes from seeing beauty. To deny my soul from joy and laughter would be to never look upon beauty with my eyes: it would be a life devoid of one of the greatest treasures of heaven. What would life be without beauty? Without joy? Someone once said:

"Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face."

Let winter never remain on my face: may joy alone continually fill my countenance.

Blogrimage Day 1

6 months ago I moved to South Korea to teach English. I moved here with great ideas, plans, dreams and hopes for what I might see and experience. When I left I told everyone to watch for my blog. I wanted to share this life and experience with people I cared about and would (do) miss. But 6 months later I sit here, finally typing my FIRST blog. It's not that I didn't start to write. Oh no, on the contrary. MANY times I stopped to sit and write, but nothing came to my mind. I've discovered this little thing about me. I have a desire to share my experiences with people, but when I attempt to write them, I get lost in the thoughts and revelations and am so marveled, I lose all desire to TYPE! Well, that ends now.

I'm the kind of person that needs motivation to do things. So when Pradeepan told me he was starting a "blogrimage" to blog about something everyday for 30 days I knew I needed to be involved (much as I always resist such impulses of relative foolishness, living in a foreign country with the man makes some of his tendencies . . . catching). If I miss a day, okay. If I write two blogs one day and nothing the next three, that's fine too (I know you won't agree Pradeepan - sorry). For me, I need the push to just do it and get into the habit. I don't know that anyone will read this blog, which is fine. I'm not writing this for anyone but me. I have a tendency to internalize too much. A friend once told me I have great thoughts and ideas that the world needs to hear but I selfishly keep them to myself. He told me I'm doing the world a disservice. I don't know how true that is; I'll let you be the judge.

So with that, I start this 30-day blog, devoted to glimpses of beauty. For the next 30 days I will share the glimpses of beauty I see in my life, currently in Korea. Whether it's the woman who walks by, the beggar on the street, the students in my classes, the land itself, the conversations I have or just the random thoughts that spark in my crazy mind . . . for 30 days I will choose to look at the world around me through a different lens. It's going to be a journey! If you choose to follow, please do! Comment on my thoughts, share your own. I'm called to a life of purpose and I refuse to live for anything less.